When I saw Aaron Neville sing 'I don't know much' and imagined he was letting out the pain of losing his wife, (his teenage sweetheart) into the mic, I wished that I too could cry my pain into a mic that might somehow empty the emotional pain inside me.
Not the pain of the trauma I faced as a child, because that is now a memory I can talk about with a wince, like running a finger over a scar that has healed much but has a slight tenderness. Not the excruciating physical pain of my medical condition hEDS, But the far worse pain of being hurt by the Christian brotherhood I've invested in all my adult life.
I'd like to cry out the pain of the betrayals whilst my wife and I tried to deal with disability and grief, and the lack of support for a disabled council estate pastor.
And I wonder if I could cry that all out like Aaron Neville, if somehow all of the pain of the last 3 years would be dissipated?
And I could tell you. with tears, that even though I'm so disenchanted with the UK Church, and particularly my theological tribe, I still believe God loves it so much, enough to die for it, and the Church is still his plan, and I love the Church too. And I could tell you that all the badness I've experienced from others, also resides in me; even if it is displayed in different ways.
But, I do so wish, that the Church was a safe place for people like me; cos if it can crush a hard-nut like me, what will it do to others?
See part 2 here